…I’m feeling so depressed right now and I have no way and nobody to go to. I think it has reached to a point where I cannot barely bear it any longer. Probably when you are in a depression mode, your brain can’t function well so in anything that you do seems to be useless or pointless.
I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry but I just can’t do it. Probably by doing so doesn’t worth a tear of mine.
*sob sob sob*
I wonder whether there’s anybody out there can lean their shoulder to cry on. If there is, do they understand my feelings? If they do, then why are they not helping me?
I guess it’s easier said than done after all.
I guess I can never figure it out.
Am I born to be a loser?
I guess I can never figure that either.
Life is complicated, so complicated especially when you have to go through it all alone. Or is it just me..that making it complicated?
I don’t know.
I’m sick and tired being surrounded by negative ‘chi’ and it’s very difficult to push it away when you’re the only one that had the positive ‘chi’. Who am I to their eyes? I’m just a pea.
A pea that is placed under layers of mattresses and only a real ‘man’ that sleep on those thick layers mattresses will be able to feel the hidden pea underneath. By then, when discovered, it is no longer a pea, it is a pearl instead.
Often I questioned myself, “How many of life dramas I have to go through?”, “When is this gonna end?”, “Oh God, have mercy on me, can you take away the misery away from me?”. Often I can’t find the answers.
Or maybe I choose to blind-fold myself from seeing the answers.
Maybe, just maybe.
Insanity did came across the mind but my sanity told me, “Hang on there sweetie. You’re a strong woman. Be patient and cherish the moment. Truth will reveal one day”. I waited, waited and waited. To a point where I started to question myself, “How much longer do I need to wait?”.
Like I said, am I the one who choose to be blind folded here or the answers to all are yet to come. Or God has better plan for me and it is yet to come.
I don’t know.
The other day, I told myself, probably it’s a good idea to get out from the entire hectic, depressing and ‘sick’ environment which eventually made me to agree with my research team to go off early for our last field trip. I intended to go later due to hectic work schedule in the office but at last I changed my mind.
I felt like I’m so lost, lonely and despite all of this, I still have an ounce of faith in myself believing that someday, somewhere things would turn out better for me. I just hope by going through this would make me stronger each day and never give up in life.
*sob sob sob*
ps-i just hope I have the blessings from everyone prayer for me.