Dear Diary…

…I’m feeling so depressed right now and I have no way and nobody to go to. I think it has reached to a point where I cannot barely bear it any longer. Probably when you are in a depression mode, your brain can’t function well so in anything that you do seems to be useless or pointless.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry but I just can’t do it. Probably by doing so doesn’t worth a tear of mine.

*sob sob sob*

I wonder whether there’s anybody out there can lean their shoulder to cry on. If there is, do they understand my feelings? If they do, then why are they not helping me?
I guess it’s easier said than done after all.
I guess I can never figure it out.
Am I born to be a loser?
I guess I can never figure that either.

Life is complicated, so complicated especially when you have to go through it all alone. Or is it just me..that making it complicated?
I don’t know.

*deep sigh*

I’m sick and tired being surrounded by negative ‘chi’ and it’s very difficult to push it away when you’re the only one that had the positive ‘chi’. Who am I to their eyes? I’m just a pea.
A pea that is placed under layers of mattresses and only a real ‘man’ that sleep on those thick layers mattresses will be able to feel the hidden pea underneath. By then, when discovered, it is no longer a pea, it is a pearl instead.

Often I questioned myself, “How many of life dramas I have to go through?”, “When is this gonna end?”, “Oh God, have mercy on me, can you take away the misery away from me?”. Often I can’t find the answers.
Or maybe I choose to blind-fold myself from seeing the answers.
Maybe, just maybe.

Insanity did came across the mind but my sanity told me, “Hang on there sweetie. You’re a strong woman. Be patient and cherish the moment. Truth will reveal one day”. I waited, waited and waited. To a point where I started to question myself, “How much longer do I need to wait?”.

*sniff sniff*
 
Like I said, am I the one who choose to be blind folded here or the answers to all are yet to come. Or God has better plan for me and it is yet to come.
I don’t know.

The other day, I told myself, probably it’s a good idea to get out from the entire hectic, depressing and ‘sick’ environment which eventually made me to agree with my research team to go off early for our last field trip. I intended to go later due to hectic work schedule in the office but at last I changed my mind.

I’ll be leaving town tomorrow and I hope to find peace in the deep forest of Borneo.

I felt like I’m so lost, lonely and despite all of this, I still have an ounce of faith in myself believing that someday, somewhere things would turn out better for me. I just hope by going through this would make me stronger each day and never give up in life.

*sob sob sob*

ps-i just hope I have the blessings from everyone prayer for me.

12 Comments

  1. kevin

    28 October, 2009 at 11:07 am

    will do and always will do pray for you to give you strength and believe in Him and ask for mercy for there is Lord up above can take away ur misery away

    cheer up and God Bless You

    1. ladybirdmollyz

      28 October, 2009 at 11:29 am

      thank you. i need that. god bless you too. 🙂

  2. RayZzZz

    28 October, 2009 at 11:00 pm

    hey this ain’t you.. Be strong and firm like you usually are. Be positive and cheer up =) You are what you are. Maybe people thinks that you’re a nobody but i am definitely sure you are a somebody to certain people. You are indeed a good friend and very very nice to talk with. *wink* << learn from Leo ==

    1. ladybirdmollyz

      6 November, 2009 at 11:11 am

      ray,
      knowing this from you amazed me coz never do i know i am seen as a ‘strong’ person to your eye. thank you for that, im flattered.

      the truth is, sometime i do feel ‘weak’ and i am weak for now, i am experiencing the ‘down side’ of myself. i just hope that i can pull myself together soon as i know by letting the negative ‘chi’ controlling myself wouldn’t bring any good.

      thank you for the support and i really need it. 🙂

  3. Uncle Lee

    29 October, 2009 at 1:45 am

    Hi Ladybird, do take it easy. Life can be tough sometimes. Even the Queen of roses has thorns. And no road has no corners.
    But behind every dark cloud there is a silver lining…
    just stay your positive self…..you are a beautiful woman, you have good health….you are healthy most of all.

    I have a very close male friend, younger than me 6 years…and very recently he was diagnosed with cancer, and doctor doesn’t give him much chances of seeing next year’s X’mas. His wife is devastated.

    But! All of us would be crying or whatever, he even though knows he won’t be long with us and his family, he is just like normal…
    he stays positive.
    And only last week over coffee he told me in his usual way, “other people have worst problems than me….”.
    And he has less than a year!!
    Best regards, Lee.

    1. ladybirdmollyz

      6 November, 2009 at 11:22 am

      uncle lee,
      you never fail to comfort me with your words. yes as im going thru this, i do keep on telling myself that there are others out there having/going thru worst situation than me but it was merely word of motivation to move on. the truth is, it was easier said than done. 🙁

      despite that im not giving up, not yet. i still look forward for a brighter path and i know i can for as long as i have the faith in me. thank you for the words uncle lee and please dont stop showering me with words of encouragement.

      XOXO 🙂

  4. Nayi

    2 November, 2009 at 9:33 am

    we’re just human…

  5. srini

    3 November, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    Think positive and dream positive and sure there are people and some one out there waiting for u to lean on their shoulder. you know that dear. and be strong u have come this far with ur determination and strength remeber that dear
    persistance pays dear

    1. ladybirdmollyz

      6 November, 2009 at 11:27 am

      thank you for the word of encouragement dear. i appreciate that. will try my best to be strong.

  6. Gallivanter

    3 November, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    *HUGS* Hang in there, though I know it’s not easy. I can probably give a long list of advice, but instead, I’ll just end this with another *HUG*

    1. ladybirdmollyz

      6 November, 2009 at 11:29 am

      thank you for the hugs, really need that. *sniff sniff*

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