Sorry…

“You look stressed, my dear”.

I looked at my colleague’s face and just nodded my head and said “Yes, you are right my dear and thanks for noticing it”.

Honestly, I barely can concentrate doing my work today. I guess I’m still disturbed on my arguments with my sis last night. Yeahhh…which family doesn’t had siblings’ argument or fight, same goes with my life.

I tried very hard to control my emotions, was really mad at her, in short – I was angry at her to the max!!! 🙁

Born in a family of 5 siblings’ and being the eldest is pretty tough for me. I’m not complaining yet I feel fortunate of what I’ve gone through. My mother ‘trained’ me very well as she believes it’s her responsibility to do so. Back then, my dad travels constantly, in short, I was my mom’s ‘PA’ in the family tree as there were 4 more younger siblings requires more of her attention.

Apart from doing the house chores, I cooked too – something that I’m proud of till today. I still remember where I would babysit my younger siblings while my mom attending her tailoring classes. Upon graduating from her tailoring class, my mom starts to earn some money by taking family and friends order. I saw my mom’s happy face each time she received her pay and I feel happy too coz she would treat us by providing us new stuff though it was not branded item.

As I grew older, I learnt more ‘hardcores’ when my dad was posted in a rural area. I was sent to a boarding school aka convent school. The only mode of transport was by river. That’s where I get to learn how to drive an outboard engine. Try me if you don’t believe me. 😉

It was an eye opener for me (being living in city for 10 years – at that time) coz most of my fellow boarders comes from poor families. Some of my friend parent begged the nuns to accept their children to attend school simply because they have few younger siblings at home.

I began to appreciate life more and how fortunate my childhood life was as compare to them. Life wasn’t easy those days. We would find firewood in the jungle for the nuns to cook our meals. During the dry season, we would go to the river and filled the hostels water tanks till full. Every dawn, we would water the plants nearby our hostels. When it comes to bed time, we would say our prayer first and sleep tight throughout the night with no pillow on our heads or mattress underneath us. We had only ‘kain sarong’ used as our blanket.

Nevertheless, we were happy. The ‘brotherly and sisterly love’ bonding was strong. If one of us gets sick, we would take turn to take care of the sick. If one of us are weak in their studies, the smart one would try their very best to help.

As times pass by, I’ve learnt a lot. I learnt how to play ‘batu seremban’ with rubber seeds, I learnt how to eat Maggie mee soaked with cold water, I learnt how to peel old coconut with my bare hand, I learnt how to swim and learnt some ‘acrobatic’ moves each time you jumped into the river hehehe…there are many more memories and oh boyyyyy….kinda miss those days.

I spent 3 years in a boarding school before I transferred back to the city and now all the values that I’ve gathered remains eternity. It makes me a person now who really treasures friendship and also life. It’s true that life is short and we can always give the best in our self.

After I completed my secondary school studies, I worked as a temporary teacher for 2 years. I rejected the offer to further my studies in London (I had an aunt who has a London PR status) simply because I want to lighten my parent burdens. I told myself that it’s ok for me to give way to my siblings’ coz if they succeed in life; I would feel happy for them too. 😉

But as times pass by, things weren’t the same and things that you expect in life don’t happen the way you want it to be. I noticed this on my younger siblings. Their ways of seeing life are way different than my time. What went wrong here??? 🙁

Lack of respect, no gratitude, irresponsible, stone head…bottom line they piss me off.

I couldn’t sleep well last night after the arguments. I don’t need my siblings respect on me, all I need is their gratitude towards life. Be more caring, be more responsible.


I began to wonder all of my efforts of this while have been ‘flush’ to the drain. Did I pamper them too much?? Am I not good enough to their standard??

I’m confused…sad…I don’t know how to describe this feelings…


Infact, I regretted of letting myself blown away by my anger last night. I’m sorry sis… 🙁

3 Comments

  1. aL

    17 May, 2007 at 10:00 am

    Im sorry to hear wat happened. ANyways, dont let this spoil your mood for the weekend and just hope the best for your sis watever happens. You are the greatest sis ur siblings ever had.

  2. Sileast20

    17 May, 2007 at 1:49 pm

    Brother’s to sister’s, sister’s to sister’s, brother’s to brother’s…they all seem to move in a certain same pattern in life, the older sibling need’s the respect and wanting the best for them the younger sibling’s…

    somehow the younger siblings, as they grow older they would have their own mind and probably due to the environment they are in, they tend to adapt in having numerous things we or our parents could not control or better yet advice them to do when it is wrong or right.

    Like my sister, I could not say anything to her, or advice her, I tend to let her off doing things that I find not appropriate. Sometimes I do feel ashamed as an older brother, coz people tend to ask me, “Why?? you never talk to your sister issit??” “You don’t love her issit?” ….I would always say, :” she being older in her age even I could not say anything, even my father also cannot say anything no more”…

    But we just let him or her the younger ones go through life as it is, and praying that may GOD keep them in HIS arm’s at all times guiding them. And probably (You’ll Never Know) on the way they would still open up to us, and the only thing we could say is, ” I did told you so long ago. But don’t give up hope, coz you know we love you.” if they somehow went wrong in someway.

  3. Nightwing

    21 May, 2007 at 3:26 am

    Sorry to hear about your fight. Hopefully by time u read this, things is ok already.

    I understand how u feel cause i am also the oldest in the family and with 4 siblings.

    I think in time they will know why u say the things u said….cause it is out of love that you cared and voice out. Not because of being busy body with their lives.

    Like Sil wrote, maybe it is due to the environment they are in or what ‘peer’ thingy.

    Any way, hang in there. I am sure one of these days, they will come to their senses. What ever happens, they are still your siblings. Just be there to hold their hands when they fall down.

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